Intrinsic Deception

Deluded I am, time and time again. Betrayal is a force driven by man, plaguing my mental vitality. The lack of trust I accrue from those considered f(r)iends is as useful to my conviction as an extolment rendered aspersion. With a conscience so ravished, I am lead to assume anonymity will fortify my existence as a human being. I see purpose in solidarity and consequently introversion. As it would seem, any credence I endow is a means to dishonesty. Through years riddled with unfaithfulness and contempt, I have increasingly been required to erect barriers, for we seem to not possess self control yet are consumed by avarice; "give a man a key, he cannot not open the door. Give him something free and he'll resell it to the poor." Humanity is the embodiment of a rational mind gone astray. Blinded to the riches we are bestowed, solely searching for happiness through others' vicarious suffering. I struggle to comprehend these selfish ideologies, but, nevertheless, I would rather be a complete recluse than perpetually fooled. A civilization where vice dominates is one I would hastily exile myself from. They are just "one big myoma that thinks [their] planet supports only [them]," including all other inhabitants of this gaseous ball that would benefit to explode. I do understand that not all of humanity suits this description. However, through my trials and experience, I have developed a misanthropic disposition. I lament this fact, but sadly it has helped me defend myself time and time again. It atrophies my sociability. It exhausts my motivational resources like one clear-cut forest after another. I recognize this mundane society with much abhorrence and displeasure - morality has degenerated and virtue has been distorted.

The loss of my innocence seems to have catalyzed the demise of my enjoyable existence. Admittedly, I do take pleasure in some situations. It is rare and scarce. I fail to find solace in the drink, exercise, or relaxation. Only in my dreams can I escape this insipid reality I could call my legacy. Increasingly less are my aspirations to fulfill something achieved. "I sit on my ass all goddamn day. A misanthropic anthropoid with nothing to say." I can connect to very few in my life. Myriads of acquaintances have found means to successfully sanction my abandoning of them. Whether by dishonesty or judgmental points of view that would, in their eyes, compromise my integrity. All the users, liars, thieves, they incessantly potentate my anxiety and cynicism, and for good reason. These personalities are invasive, and impartial to any altruism you have to offer. To dig deep under one's skin just to devour the body from the inside out. The most evil instill a sense of trust and friendship through a lengthy period of time, then demolish it at the foundation, as were their intentions all along. This has left me exhausted. Finding it hard to perceive most trust as veracious, leading to my current antisocial nature.

I attempt as best as possible to be pacifistic. Well aware of my capabilities as a human, a non-aggressive approach is prudent and crucial to my future. As a Scottish proverb states, "where vice is, vengeance follows," and I would prefer not to succumb to that path. But all I have to show for it is recessive benevolence and a self-ostracized being. In theory, complete coexistence is possible. My yearning is for this to come to pass, but, until all humans cease autonomic functions, it is too demanding. Though it can be achieved in an interpersonal manner, I find it difficult to find more than three or four people who reciprocate these inclinations. Regretfully, I am obliged to identify and expunge the many nefarious individuals from my life, but, when I do discover a devout, steadfast individual, perhaps my endeavors are not as pointless as they seem.  In time, absolution will be granted to my pondering.